Today, three suspected syrup smugglers were stopped in an attempt to cross the Canadian border from the U.S. The suspects, already-sticky from what appeared to be an on-the-road maple candy feast, claimed to be headed to a TechCrunch Meetup in Toronto, and gave authorities the names John Biggs, Matt Burns, and Jordan Crook. Official identification materials confirmed these names, though the suspects didn’t appear to look anything like their official passport photos.
“They looked at the dates on our passports, saw we got them recently, and said there’s no possible way we could have gained so much weight in such a short time,” said Biggs, 37. “We told them we were just excited about the syrup, and that we got a lot of maple candy on the way to the meetup. But they didn’t buy it.”
Biggs, Crook, and Burns are being held by police at the border until the matter is cleared up.
“We’re trying to meet up with the rest of our staff,” said Burns, 30. “We have a TCTV writer, Colleen Taylor, and one of our Toronto-based writers, Darrell Etherington, waiting for us at Steam Whistle.”
According to the popular technology news site, TechCrunch is in fact hosting a free meetup for startups, entrepreneurs, and investors in the Toronto area on November 5, as a part of its Northern meetup tour, also including Chicago and Detroit. The Toronto meetup, toward which the suspects claim to be headed, will be held at Steam Whistle Brewing, a large brewery in Toronto known for its green eco-friendly bottles and its authentic steam whistle.
TechCrunch editors Alexia Tsotsis and Eric Eldon have confirmed to Canadian authorities that the trio of fat, sticky jailbirds are in fact members of the TechCrunch editorial team, on their way to the Toronto tech meetup, which is free to attend.
“The problem with these types of situations is that we don’t know who wants to smuggle the syrup back home and who just wants to taste it, eh?” said an ex-Mountie who wished to remain anonymous. “People drive up to the border, all sticky and chubby, and expect us to believe that they’re only here for a taste. It’s like Winnie the Pooh asking for a taste of honey.”
Authorities and local media believe that the suspects will be released once they come down from their sugar high.
“We’re more excited about the meetup then the maple syrup,” said Crook, 24. “This is an outrage! Do you know how long it takes to drive from New York to Toronto? We were just keeping busy on the road trip, and maple candy and fake American syrup seemed like a good distraction.”